I realize that I am not using the term precisely, but you most likely understand the meaning. You could interpret my question as asking, at what age as parents do we provide cell phones for our kids? I asked my readers to share their own experiences, and most opted to remain anonymous, so I will refer to them with descriptors to distinguish them. In addition to the age of consent, I also asked other details about their kids’ usage and what controls they used to formulate their family phone policies.
The Fortunate family has two boys that are now in college. They got their phones when they were 12. “We trusted our kids and never had a problem,” at least to their knowledge. They initially used a Verizon blocking and monitoring phone app. They never had access to their kids’ phones and “on the whole it wasn’t a problem.” That is why I call them “fortunate.”
The Strict family also has two teen-aged boys (19 and 12), both of whom sort of got their phones when they were 12. The older boy “has only an Instagram account now but rarely uses it (mostly just to see occasional friend’s posts). He has the right priorities and values, and we don’t need to stay on top of this for him at all—he limits himself.” The younger boy is why I say “sort of” because his device is a locked-down iPad, which also comes with usage limits (“we collect it at night, and he’s not allowed to get it until all homework and other responsibilities are completed”). What is more significant is that “he has learned to bypass the controls on his school Chromebook and knows where to find unblocked games — that’s a big enough headache for me frankly.” Oh, and the parents are keepers of the passwords too.
The OnRamp family has a boy and a girl that got their phones between 16 and 18 (and are now in college). “I would caution any parent who would allow a phone prior to age 16,” they said. “Our kids needed an on ramp, you can’t just lock them down and then cut them free in an instant.” This family saw the need for phones at discrete moments, such as when traveling. But having an on ramp also meant restricting social apps or with a lot of oversight or forbidding them in places such as their bedrooms, when the phones would be relegated to a charging shelf. They also recognize that they didn’t do as good a job at teaching them other worries such as doom scrolling or going down rabbit holes, because “any content consumption can be addictive.”
When my cousins had teen girls, they got their first phones both at age 12 (they are now 19 and 21). They had access to their AppleIDs and PIN codes so they could monitor which apps they had, and also banned phones at their dining table and collected them at night.
One reader has four daughters from 4 to 10 years old, call them the Home School family. He said, “I can’t imagine ever giving them cell phones, and believe strongly in parent/child attachment.”
Several readers were pretty vocal about not allowing cell phones in the classroom. Of course, that places the responsibility on each teacher to detect usage, which can be an issue. But then this is just another part of their responsibilities.Many years ago, I taught a high school networking class for 10 boys. The class was done in a hard-wired network lab (wifi hadn’t yet become popular or available in the school). When a student was giving me problems, I would unplug their computer. That public shaming seemed to work for me — and the related peer pressure for them as well.
Others suggested buying phones without any internet data plans or GPS-enabled watches, such as from Mint Mobile, Gabb.com, Bark.us or Tello.com. These vendors have a wide range of products and Gabb has an impressive amount of content that can help you pick out the right piece of tech for your kids.
However, like any blocking or protective tech, these solutions may create additional problems. The Contract family used the Bark.us app and did help out in one situation, but he grew tired of its frequent and buggy updates, and discontinued its use last year. They also made their kids sign a multi-page cellphone agreement, which he has agreed I can share with you here. This might work for you, but I think many of you would find this level of pseudo-legality a bit much. Another source worth exploring is Delaney Ruston’s blog (she has interviewed many families for her documentary films about family tech use), and this post goes into great detail about how to formulate your family’s phone policies.
Another reader, we’ll call him Childless Man, says that “if I had had a cell phone when I was 12 to 15, I would have gotten myself in lots of trouble. I can’t be the only kid who’s libido was running overdrive!”
Finally, there is the Watch family, with two daughters 8 and 11. So named, because they have focused on getting watches rather than phones, at least initially. “The Apple watch is great, because when it is not paired to a phone it cannot access any apps.” They also manually add contacts to the watch so they can control who their girls communicate with, and are the keepers of the passwords too. “The watch is restricted to contact with mom&dad only after 8:30pm and is also on “school mode” during the day. Our kids’ schools are also complete black holes of cell service.”
I originally thought about this topic in terms of kid’s social network usage, but as I was corresponding with you all I see that I haven’t really understood the breadth and depth of the issue. Yes, we can try to block TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram. But what about YouTube, Discord, and playing online games? And kids are clever at getting around app blockers, as I mentioned with the Strict family earlier. I probably will have more to say about this topic and welcome your input as always.
So what can you glean from these examples? There is no perfect solution, and the important thing is to match your level of expertise (many of the families cited here are from parents who are computing professionals) and also the kind of kids you have and how they develop and what tech their peers are using. (To that end Ruston pointed me to the Waituntil8th.org, which promotes parents to act together to wait until eight grade before giving their kids phones.) That shows that your policies and restrictions will of course change as your kids grow up. Thanks to all of you who answered my query, and if you want to share your own experiences, feel free to comment here or send me a private message.
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